What Would Jesus Do?™

It has been a big month for religion. Seriously big! It's like December! 

First we had the riveting tale of Hobby Lobby, the Supreme Court and birth control. If you don't know what I'm talking about you should get Facebook and to learn all about it and Big-Game Hunting Cheerleaders (coming soon to TLC) within an hour!

Even bigger news than that, however, is a story that religious aficionados (like me) have been following for six years! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, the trademark battle for "What Would Jesus Do" has finally ended, and Tyler Perry is the champion!

Hey also, don't "read more" if you like Jesus a lot and will get offended.


After a hard fought legal battle between Perry, who has a net worth of $400 million, and one time reality television "star" Kimberly Kearney (I Want to Work for Diddy), net worth $450, Tyler Perry holds the rights to your aunt's favorite phrase.

Perry will undoubtedly begin working on a script for a black, cross-dressing, suburban grandma Jesus any day now.

Tyler Perry as a black, cross-dressing, suburban grandma

But this headline raises a few questions about the phrase that is so commonly engraved in bracelets: How reliable is this Jesus fellow anyway? What would he do in my shoes? Is this question relevant in 2014?

To find out, I decided to run a situation in my head. I will set the scene.

FADE IN

Interior apartment, late at night. Boxes everywhere, some open but mostly taped shut with sharpie markings on the side indicating their designation. Next to a box marked "LIVING ROOM" a man sits against a wall. 

He is a bearded in his early twenties. His head is dangling between his knees, crying. 

Next to him is a hefty flat screen television leaning against a wall. Next to it, a wall mount and bolts piled up, covered in a fine white powder.

Above the television there is a hole in a wall, large. This is the source of the man's anguish and the white dust. He can not figure out how to mount his television and is defeated. He looks up.

MAN (to himself, mumbling, clearly on the fringe of insanity): "What would Jesus do?"

PAUSE SCENE 

I pause here in order to do some research, because I'm certainly uncertain how Jesus would handle this predicament! I needed to know what Jesus is capable of, so I started doing research the old fashioned way: Google. I searched "skills of jesus" and found some interesting answers from reliable sources.

First, from Wikipedia:

"Originally written in Koine Greek, the Gospel of Mark calls Jesus in Mark 6:3 a τέκτων (tekton), usually understood to mean a carpenter."

"The gospels indicate that Jesus could read, paraphrase, and debate scripture, but this does not imply that he received formal scribal training."

So now we know that Jesus worked as a Carpenter, which would indicate he had some understanding of architecture 2,030ish years ago. We also know that he was able to read and paraphrase, so hopefully he can grasp the syntax of the wall mount instructions (assuming he speaks English, which my next source assures me he can).

Next, the ever useful WikiAnswers, from a user named Racrac (who has a fascinating bio!: "I am a young man, of age 16yrs, I love Church, Baseball, Coins, and Working. I also love music singing, playing, and listening! saxaphone, guitar, piano, and my voice").

What an interesting fellow! Here's what (s)he had to say in response to the question "What are some skills of Jesus?"

"Jesus has no skills; he is all-knowing, all-powerful, all-all, Jesus is God!!!!!!!!!!!

He can do anything he wants. he has no skills, because he is all-everything!!!!!!!!!!

Can you heal a demoned possesed man? (Mark 5)

Can you rise from the dead?

Can you heal cancer?

GOD CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil. 4:13"

Wow! This was enlightening and controversial stuff from the hard hitting Racrac! According to him, Jesus has no skills, but is very, very powerful. He can heal a "demoned possesed man," "rise from the dead" and even "heal cancer" (although it seems he doesn't really like to).

And finally my favorite internet source, Yahoo Answers. This next riveting answer comes from elizabeth_davis28, in response to the question: "Special skills of Jesus Christ?"

are you kidding,he died for all of us , gave sight to the blind , made the lame walk ,the dead to live ,if it had not been for the lord on our side ,where would we be ,he can do everything he is awesome, he loves me in spite of ,forgiving 

on time God ,A God of second chance,a way maker,a problem solver I would not leave this world without him

It was actually formatted like that, poor soul. Fortunately for Elizabeth, Heaven doesn't lock its pearly gates on you if you failed English, unless you also happen to be homosexual! Unfortunately for our protagonist, none of those skills will help Jesus mount a flat screen television, except maybe "he can do everything he is awesome."

I know that Jesus could also turn water into wine and walk on water (not sure about walking on wine).

Well, now that I am well researched what do you say we resume the scene?

FADE IN

POOF! - A fluffy cloud of white smoke appears in front of the protagonist. Enter JESUS. It turns out he does speak English, somehow.

JESUS (coughing):

What is troubling you my child?

MAN (startled, stuttering):

Uh.. m- y wall m-mount fell right out of the w-w-wall and left a huge hole and I'm going to lose my d-deposit!

Jesus takes a careful look around, he squints as he looks at a lamp in the corner of the box-filled room.

JESUS:

What year is it?

MAN:

2014

JESUS (obviously flustered, not taking it well):

God Fucking Damnit, I went way too far. I was with Genghis yesterday. 

MAN:

Genghis Khan?!

JESUS:

No, Genghis Johnson. Yes, Khan you worthless idiot. What did you call me for anyway? How have you harnessed the power of the sun over there?

MAN (ignoring the latter part of the Lord's inquiry):

Well I can't get my television mounted to the wall, it fell.

JESUS: 

Boy I don't even know what you're saying. What language is this, anyway.

MAN: 

English. You don't know about television? What do you do for fun in your time?

JESUS: 

Mostly throw rocks at lakes. Sometimes my dad sets locusts on people.

MAN: 

That's kind of rude. Well if you don't know how to he-

JESUS (interrupting): 

Do you have any water? I could go for some wine right now.

He walks over to the kitchen, poking cardboard boxes as he passes them, obviously not trusting their uniform shapes.

JESUS (continuing):

Listen, I usually only help people that need to pass a message to a loved one or something. Some people spread some stupid rumor that I could "heal cancer" and that's simply not true. Then they just lay around and wait to die, and say "God has a plan." I said the exact same thing to Genghis yesterday. Let me tell you something. My dad sneezed and made this planet, he doesn't have any plans for any of you! I don't know why he sent me here. I'd love to visit other galaxies, truthfully. 

MAN: 

Uhh.

JESUS (gesturing to the hole as he plops down on a box):

Why don't you get a slave to do it?

MAN:

We don't have slaves man, that's fucked up.

JESUS:

Are you sure? We let the men go after seven years, that's okay right?

MAN:

If you're not going to help me just get out of here. I thought you were a carpenter or something?

JESUS(sighing):

I built one fuckin' staircase once because I wanted to have a hammock in my hut, and people started saying I was some professional. Honestly I don't know why people say half the things they do about me. I just like to throw rocks all day. Next thing you know I started a religion.

MAN:

People from today will be disappointed when they meet you.

JESUS: 

Is there anything else I can help you with today?

MAN:

I don't think you could if I asked.

JESUS:

You're probably right. The only thing I really help out with is exorcisms, and 99% of  the time those fuckers are lying. I don't know why people even started saying "What would Jesus do?" The answer is most likely going to be "throw rocks into a lake." 

MAN (pinching self): 

Can you just go now? I think this is a dream. 

JESUS:

Sure dude, nice meeting you! 

JESUS EXITS in another overwhelming cloud of white smoke. The smoke detector and sprinklers go off, the television gets soaked.

FADE TO BLACK

Well well well. That sure was interesting. Jesus is not very handy. You read it yourself! So next time something horrible happens to you just remember what Jesus would do: throw rocks in a pond. 

PS My girlfriend Courtney also has a blog she writes with her friend Paulina, you should check it out because it is sincere and nice whereas ours is crass and silly. Read it!